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June 7, 2006
Tips for Guys Coming Out
“During conversations about Sunday’s football games on Monday, aggressively mention that none of the NFL uniform colors WORK!”
- Never come out to your parents at a gun show
- When your father inadvertently drops by your apartment and notices all those dresses in your closet, tell him it’s your female roommate’s stuff who’s on a long trip
- Start calling your male coworkers Mary
- In order to avoid advances by straight women, start a conversation about how lovely Dimitry Dmitriyev looks in his ballet costumes
- Always get teary eyed when Judy Garland’s name is mentioned
- At the beer-sloshing softball company picnic, always show up in tan Dockers, loafers, a starched pastel shirt, and bottle of ’84 Château Margeaux
- Keep a current copy of Soap Opera Weekly in plain view on your desk at all times
- Roll your eyes often
- Complain that the current lunch hour never leaves enough time to get your nails done
- When you disagree with a woman, always tell her that her slip is showing even though she’s wearing pants
- If you attend a group dinner at a four-star restaurant in mixed company, always complain about the service even though it’s terrific
- During conversations about Sunday’s football games on Monday, aggressively mention that none of the NFL uniform colors WORK!
- Tell your mother and sisters that by being gay they now have access to more than 20 hairdressers and interior designers
- If your boyfriend gives you some jewelry as a gift, show it to your female friends immediately and inflate its price by 200%
- Remind your friends that you and Elizabeth have one thing in common, you’re both a Queen
- Tell people that the reason you never played summer sports was because of the exceptional children’s camp your parents used to send you to, even though you were actually enrolled with your sisters in their dance classes
- Wear a bow tie and pleated pants to work at least twice a week
- If a straight woman has doubts about you being gay, tell her you find men’s underwear boring and you buy yours from a catalog
- Always tell your female friends their hair is adorable even if one of them has a crew cut
- Use the word “adorable” a lot
- Tell everyone the fact that you’re bitchy has nothing to do with biology
- If people call you a slut thank them for the compliment
- On dress-down Fridays make sure to wear Tommy Hilfiger tight fitting jeans and those handmade alligator boots
- Make sure to have a noticeable panty line when wearing tight fitting jeans
- When male friends ask why you’re always surrounded by beautiful women, explain the term “fag hag” and remind them they’re having a bad time getting laid
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