There is that special woman in every gay man’s life (or, that special girl in every gay boy’s life—depending on their respective ages, maturity, etc): his fag hag. A fag hag is a woman who has ties to the LGBT community, mostly through her gay male friends. While she often is straight, she is an advocate of the LGBT community, strongly believing and fighting for LGBT rights.

Beyond that though, she is a friend to her gay boy(s), a non-judgmental source of love and support. She is someone who he can count on to listen to his drama with his boyfriend, hook-up or community issues. Unlike other friends, who aren’t involved in the LGBT community and may flinch or be “grossed out” by hearing about his drama, a fag hag is there to listen to all his drama.

There are, of course, women and girls out there who perpetuate and fulfill many (if not all) of the negative stereptypes of fag hags. Sadly, we all know the type—the “bad” fag hags. They’re the girls who see their gay boys as novelties or treat them like accessories.

They only care about their gay boys as shopping buddies, gossip partners and/or as substitute boyfriends. Consequently, they are quick to ditch all ties to the community, and to their gay boys, when a heterosexual, or “real” boyfriend enters the picture, whether or not he’s okay with her gay friends. The “bad” fag hag may also say that she is okay with gay people but feel uncomfortable and possibly even judgmental when she sees two men (or two women, or two transgendered people) show affection for each other. She might also be a meddler or treat the gay men in her life like children.

The most disturbing trends I’ve noticed in those who fulfill the negative stereotypes about fag hags, however, are those who see gay men solely as physically beautiful, well-dressed, tidy stereotypes. In her mind, they should be asexual so she can avoid what makes her uncomfortable about the type of person she’s chosen to be her best friend.

Those are all things that really are non-issues for a “good” fag hag. As far as I’m concerned, a good fag hag is simply a woman who has ties to the LGBT community, mostly through gay men, and has a sincere sense of concern and care for the LGBT community.

The good/bad fag hag controversy aside, there is confusion and differing opinions on how a fag hag fits into the LGBT community. It seems that the only consensus on the topic of fag hags is that there is no consensus. In my personal experience, however, a fag hag’s role is fairly clear. She is an ally and advocate of the LGBT community and happens to be friends with at least one (but often several) gay men or gay boys; she understands the dynamics and drama of being a gay man well enough to offer feedback as necessary, and can handle gay-boy drama like no one else. As a friend once said, a fag hag is like the underwire bra of the LGBT community. She lifts, separates, and makes things just a little bit prettier—at least when she’s doing her job right.

A good fag hag is a great friend to her gay boys and the LGBT community, and all she asks in return is that those she’s a friend to are friends in return. So, boys, if your fag hag is good to you, be good to her in return. And to all those girls out there who are the dreaded “bad” fag hags—and deep down, I think you know who you are—stop it, damn it. You’re making the rest of us look bad.